Another week, another entry! I have been going to the gym, and because I am a sucker for gimmicky promotions, I've been playing the campus wellness center's Bingo game. They have a card on which you go to various exercise classes and get a stamp for participating, and you get a prize for a Bingo (a way better prize for a blackout, but that seems unlikely given that I started halfway through the month).
I've never gone to exercise classes before at a gym, with the exception of a strength training class in grad school, but I find this little game obscenely motivating. It's very unlikely I'll be able to get more than one Bingo, though, because I'm taking a training class all month that meets during the only time they offer water aerobics. This gives me a sad, because I freaking love water aerobics. It is my favorite of all the workouts, even if it isn't that intense. I love being in the water and not having to swim laps, I love not being all gross and sweaty at the end of a workout (I kind of love being gross and sweaty at the end of a workout, mind you, but it's a different kind of love), and I love using the hot tub afterward.
Anyway, so far I've taken two classes: a 6:45 am Zumba class yesterday, and a "Total Body" mixed cardio/strength class today. I have mixed feelings about Zumba... actually, that's not true. I have generally positive feelings about the Cult of Zumba, and I like the sort-of-like-dancing aspect -- but here's the thing: I don't particularly enjoy Latin music. (Yes, I'm aware that's as stupid and meaningless and reductive a statement as "I don't like American music", if not more so given the diverse traditions of the Hispanic diaspora. But it's still true. I don't have an appreciation for it, I don't think Zumba's a particularly great place to obtain one, and all things being equal, I'd rather work out to pop or rap or techno.) Still, the 6:45 am class is often Zumba, so since it also works reasonably well into my schedule (as long as I drive to work), I foresee myself ending up there from time to time.
I was unexcited by Total Body, but I did like that it was adaptable to personal fitness levels. It combined cardio (jogging in place, high-knees jogging, some step work) with some low-weight squats and lunges and bicep curls and tricep work and a bit of abs at the end. I definitely felt the squats -- my legs were trembling at various times -- and had to pull back on intensity during a lot of the exercises, as my muscles aren't very well conditioned right now. But it feels nice to work muscles that I don't often get to. The time isn't convenient, so I doubt I'll show up here again, but I learned a few moves that were surprisingly challenging.
The best thing about this whole enterprise, though, is realizing how many fucks I don't give anymore about what other people think about me working out or changing in the locker room or Existing While Fat. The reasons for this are twofold: first, despite the students, there's also a fairly diverse (for the Midwest) population of staff and community members who work out there, including older people, younger people, heavier people, and thin but not especially athletic people. So while I am perhaps not the average member of the wellness center, I am far from alone in being neither twenty-one nor hard-bodied.
And secondly, I have such a different relationship with my body than I did fifteen or even five years ago. Like so many women I know, I spent junior high and high school perfecting the art of changing from gym clothes or a swimsuit into a full set of street clothing without exposing any skin. (Which has served me well re: changing shirts in public, mind you, but it says horrible things about the environment I grew up in.) I used to be afraid that my college roommates (all good friends!) were going to be bothered or offended if I undressed in front of them, let alone fully undressing in a locker room. I just barely convinced myself to sunbathe topless on the Riviera when I was 20, and it was only the exotic and faraway setting that enabled me to do it at all. (Part of this was that I was so closeted I didn't even figure out I was bisexual until I was 23, but a lot of it was just pure and simple body shame.)
And then... well, over the course of the last several years, I gradually decided that I didn't care anymore. I saw women older or heavier or less attractive than me changing for the pool with no shame; I figured out that oh hey, lots of people find me attractive regardless of the size I am; and eventually, I figured out that I actually found it empowering to be an overweight woman who's becoming more healthy by exercising, and doing so in a public place. Because fuck the haters.
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